Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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