here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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