Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
