I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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