My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
