hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
