I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
