yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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