john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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