I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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