My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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