its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
