I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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