My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
