Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
operation have a gay friend backfired
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
