where am i from again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize