finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
