wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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