I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My feet surprised me
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