I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
