We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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