K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
