I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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