Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
