You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
