i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
