The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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