Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
