Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
