currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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