your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
