i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why can't burritos get me drunk
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
