Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
They took my balls.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
