sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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