I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
