Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
