I forgot how hot balto sounded
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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