Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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