wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
