We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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