dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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