I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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