If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
