if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the day after is always just damage control
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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