I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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