Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize