I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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