3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
