the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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