I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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