Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
