I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
