So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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