his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
