Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
