I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize