It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
