Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
